Thoughts of a writer

Hey all - just wanted to say hi - I will be back from school in a bit for about a week and would love to get together with some of you and catch up. Give me a call or leave a message - I miss you all :-)

I am all moved in, minus a power cord for my Zip Drive and a DVD player and VCR since mine broke. I now live in the Village at EMU. :-) I am tired but very happy. My housemates are cool. I hope I don't run out of food money. All is well. Thanks to Chrissy for coming out and helping with Fajita Fest this evening. Spotlight Students is going to rawk! Now I am off to sleep in a new bed. Goodnight all.

Current Mood: tired

life sometimes is completely funny
for instance it is amazing how
you can become closer with a friend
because of a huge fight you have at 1 am
and then you can look at other people
who were friends of yours 4 months ago
and now you don't want to have anything
to do with them again, ever again
and then you meet someone, finally
and although this person is awesome
they also mirror all the reason you hate them
and every reason you wish they were different
that you were different
that it was all somehow different
you wish that they were not such a doofus
but also that they would just go away
but also that they would not cause pain
but also that they would not change your life
knowing that they probably have no idea
of the power they hold
fearing that they do
because you know the power you hold
although you don't use it
and somehow at 1 am you find regret
for the first time in forever
and inside a small part dies
ok a big part of you dies
and yet still you find contentment with life
not happiness, yet, but peace
and somehow a new day comes
to hope for happiness
to pray for forgiveness
and dream that immortal wounds will someday heal

Current Mood: sad

Current Mood: blah

Current Mood: still empty
Current Music: "Nothing Hurts Like Love"

Yesterday was an amazing day
But sad just the same
It was the start of a new beginning
But the end of a wonderful past
Boys became men last night
And yet still somehow
Dreams faded away into forgotten hopes
In an instant everything became different
It is sad when you realize that you truly can not fly
No matter how much you wish or hope or pray
It is even sadder when you do find Neverland
And it only last for a few moments
A few days, weeks, and silent dreams
Today the sun rose and a light inside of me
That has glowed for so long
Has become so dim that it lights has finally gone out
I cried all night
Not out of sadness, or happiness, or fear
But simply because of the fact
That after all of this I have come to realize
What you have tried to show me all along
That in your existence and now in mine
There’s no such thing as fairies.

Current Mood: empty
Current Music: cprt soundtrack

Ok friends

I have one week left until I go back to school --

so if you want to hang out before I leave let me know.

But if you have not hung out with me all summer, now is not the time.

Peace - Steven

Current Mood: numb

Which RENT character are you?

Dear God,

Please

Amen

Current Mood: hopeful

for those of you on myspace, huge changes to my account this evening
for those of you not on myspace, get with the program dorks!


and yes the mood says happy. take note, it does not happen very often.

Current Mood: happy

For I feel like I have found the end
it was not as horrid as I thought
there was no wall
and yet no light
at the end of the tunnel
I was not as scared as I thought
and yet I trembled
I am still trembling inside

I found my strength
that was hidden somewhere
I found out that strength
still comes with tears
lots and lots of tears

I am not sure where else
I am supposed to go from here
what I am supposed to do
what I am not supposed to do
so I breathe
and I take it all one step at a time
so today I walked
and walked
as a matter of fact
I walked seven miles today
and cried twice

soon I will sleep
and tomorrow I will get up
and walk
and cry
and perhaps someday I will walk more
or less
or cry more or less
or sleep
or not feel like I need to begin
but instead feel like
everything has happened for a reason
and is all leading to a better end
that will all lead to a better beginning

Ok all - I have started a blog on Myspace as well. I am sure they will have different things, so if you are my friend on Myspace you might want to subscribe to that as well. If you are not on Myspace you are lame. If you dont care either way then delete me off your friends list and I will do the same. Peace out.

Steve

p.s. - I have a new cell phone now, not that any of you (most of you) ever called the old one to make plans with me, but I am in the mood for a change, and if my friends dont start acting like my friend then they are going to find out that come a month from now I am not going to be their friend anymore. I am sick of calling people to make plans and sick of being alone. Guess this wasn't the nicest post in the world. Oh well.

1.What is your middle name?
Vincent

2. What size is your bed?
Twin, for a reason

3. What are you listening to right now?
the sound of my fan

4. What are the last 2 digits in your phone number?
06

5. What was the last thing you ate?
a hamburger

6. Last person you hugged?
Philip

7. How is the weather right now?
Warmly ok

8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Chrissy

9. The first thing you notice about the SAME sex?
Eyes

10. Are you single?
yes

11. Do you want children?
no

12. Do you drink?
yes

13. Ever get so drunk you don't remember the entire night?
yep, and even sometimes when I dont drink LOL

14. Eye color?
ugly ass brown

15. Hair color?
Brown with blonde highlights

16. Is there anyone you think should be shot?
yes

17. Favorite holiday?
Halloween

18. Favorite season?
Autumn

19. Ever cried for no reason?
yep

20. Last movie you watched?
Lady in the Water

21. How many mirrors are in your room?
one, above my dresser

22. Do you know any other fall out boy songs other than "sugar were going down"?
no

23. Have you ever decapitated a barbie?
yeppers

24. Do you enjoy the sensational taste of starbucks?
ewww NO

25. Does the word "horcrux" mean anything to you
nope

26. Do you have any gay friends?
DUH!

27. Ever do weed?
yes, Kevin was a bad influence

28. Is cheese like the best food ever, or what?
cheese is ok

29. What books are you reading?
The Abs Diet, Capt. Hook, and a few for classes

30. Piercings?
2 in my left ear

31. Two favorite tv shows?
Roseanne and Degrassi

32. Favorite football team?
Waht is football?

33. What were you doing before filling this out?
Sending a text message

34. Any pets?
a cat

35. Dogs or cats?
nope

36. Favorite flower?
white rose

37. Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't meant to be doing?
caught, no, guilty , yes

38. Have you ever loved someone?
yes, very much

39. Who would you like to see right now?
many of you could fill in that answer for me

40. What is your favorite baseball team?
Tigers (they play baseball, right)

41. Have you ever fired a gun?
yes

42. Do you like to travel by planes?
sure if the ticket is cheap, I really love road trips

43. Right or left-handed?
right

44. If you could be with someone right now who would it be?
see # 39

45. How many pillows do you sleep with?
2 Feather Pillows, 1 Body Pillow

46. Are you missing someone?
I miss lots of people

47. Do you have a tattoo?
Yes and will be getting another one soon

48. Do you watch cartoons on a saturday morning?
no I dont really watch TV

49. Are you hiding something from someone?
Yes but no, I am mainly open but I am sure not 100% full disclosure

50. Do you play an instrument?
I used to play the trumpet and I will be taught the piano soon

Current Location: home
Current Mood: Sleepy
Current Music: none

so much stuff is going right in my life
philip is being great and will be attending EMU this year
:-)
chrissy has been a super friend this week
susan is trying her ass off to be more awesome then usual
joy said we could do lunch soon
and even thought going out with jake was not that great
it ened up not being so bad
so why do i still feel like i want to die so much
why do i cry so much
why cant i just be happy
it seems like i have hit a wall that I can not climb over
that i am getting closer to
and that i am falling into a pit
of doom and blackness
and i am scared

I have been feeling alone lately
Well it is not a feeling
I have been alone a lot lately
And it hurts
And I cry but that doesn’t change anything
Sure I have friends
Like Joy who loves me
And will take me out to lunch and all
And talk with me until 2 am
And Susan and the likes
But I am not part of their group
I am an on the side friend
A once in a while friend
Who spends a lot of days alone
And I have Chrissy
Who has been more of a friend
Then I could ever ask for
Who went out and got herself a life
And I am so happy for her
So now when I call I get a machine
And I have Philip
Who spends a lot of time with me
This summer at least
But he is getting sick of me
And feels he is neglecting others
He doesn’t understand he is the only one
Who actually spends time with me
But I can lose him too
I may not want to
But I am used to lonely days
And a silent phone
I just wonder where did I screw up
How did my life end
But my heart still beat
Why am I not a part of that group
How do I not have more of a life
Why does no one call me
What did I do so wrong
Why must I be so alone
To hurt
And cry
But it doesn’t change anything.


------

Don't write a letter when you want to leave
Don't call me at 3 a.m. from a friend's apartment
I'd like to choose how I hear the news
Take me to a park that's covered with trees
Tell me on a Sunday please

Let me down easy
No big song and dance
No long faces, no long looks
No deep conversation
I know the way we should spend that day
Take me to a zoo that's got chimpanzees
Tell me on a Sunday please


Don't want to know who's to blame
It won't help knowing
Don't want to fight day and night
Bad enough you're going


Don't leave in silence with no word at all
Don't get drunk and slam the door
That's no way to end this
I know how I want you to say goodbye
Find a circus ring with a flying trapeze
Tell me on a Sunday please


Don't want to fight day and night
Bad enough you're going
Don't leave in silence with no word at all
Don't get drunk and slam the door
That's no way to end this
I know how I want you to say goodbye


Don't run off in the pouring rain
Don't call me as they call your plane
Take the hurt out of all the pain
Take me to a park that's covered with trees
Tell me on a Sunday please

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: Tell me on a Sunday

I am feeling a bit lost today

I fucked up on my date with susan tonight, which sucked

Jake and I did not hang out again this week, that (this) will never work

Philip announced his family is going on a two week vacation soon, so I am losing him for 2 out of the 6 weeks I still have him

I had a mini-meeting with Glenna today, which is scary in itself, I love the lady but she is so powerful and stuff it just fills me with doubt about all my goals. I am glad she supports my dreams. I hope she continues to do so.

I need a Joy hug and Joy lunch soon, when, who knows, when I get some money, I am tired of you paying.

Ian say yes. Please.

Next weeks is going to fly by, then the week after is crunch time for meetings and getting the final endorsments I need so I don't go crazy with self-doubt and stress.

If anyone is a director or choreographer I need you. LOL.

Have a great friday all - peace.

What am I fighting for
When I will never be an equal
Or treated the same
Or looked at as kindly
Or even with the same amount of dignity

What am I fighting for
When I will never be able to marry
Someone who I truly love
Whether that be you
Or if I can someday find another

What am I fighting for
When I have to argue
With the ones I care for
Just to care about me back
And to show a little concern
Or treat me with a bit of respect

What am I fighting for
When every day I must repent
For the sins of my mind
That are so natural
That when acted upon
Sometimes I don't even notice

What am I fighting for
When millions of people
Scream against me in protest
Torturing their children in disgust
And bribing their legislatures to ensure
That I will never be happy

What am I fighting for
When even my best friend
Will lie next to me in bed
And ask me if I am wrong
Hoping I can be straight
Hoping I can be normal

What am I fighting for
When the end could so easily be near
When my head and my heart agree
And all this pain could just disappear
What am I fighting for?
I am just not so sure anymore.